The Hammacher Schlemmer catalog came in the mail and I can’t contain my excitement. Stuff. Stuff. Stuff. There can never be too much stuff out there, and let’s be honest, it’s a great way to waste an afternoon and avoid all the important chores and responsibilities you should otherwise be doing.
Typically, as I weave my way through the catalog, my interest degenerates into a macabre need to critically ask if any of this stuff is in anyway needed. I consider it an important civic responsibility, certainly more important than whether I get off my butt and mow the lawn. Why? Because no one cares if I mow, but critical analysis of a catalog I didn’t actually order? Absolutely!
So let’s dig in!
A 7 foot Sprinklesaurus! (You’ll notice a lot of these are for pools and such, even though I don’t have a pool, so go figure!) How can you not want this? Think of all the traumatized neighborhood cats. Sadly, the air pump is extra.
A Posture Correcting Neuroband Shirt. Remember being told to stand up straight? Now you can own a shirt that does the same thing. Fun, huh? Also known as self flagellation.
The 6 Minute Laser Hair Regrowing Hat. I thought the point of wearing a hat was to cover that which was once there but no more. Now you can parade through the neighborhood telling everyone, whether they care or not, that you’re growing hair. It’s only a grand unless you’re already a chromedome, then it’s 3 grand. Personally, I’ll stick with my Packer’s cheesehead hat.
Authentic Hot Air Balloon. And who doesn’t need one of these? Quick trip to the mall? Everyone in the balloon. Does take up quite a bit of space when inflated though. Only 49 grand. Pocket change.
The Child’s Squirting Motorized Bumper Boat. What could possibly go wrong with this? (I like that they used the term “child’s” versus punk-kid.) Best used when mom is having her friends over for drinks by the pool.
The Motorized Pool Float. For when you’re so lazy that you can’t get around your pool with your hands. Useful though if you buy the kids the motorized squirting bumper boat
The Compact Core Exerciser. For those mildly embarrassed by their pandemic weight gain. Remember to wear your posture alignment shirt while tightening that core. I’ll be on the couch watching with my favorite vegan beer.
A 3 Person Inflatable Massaging Spa. In case you don’t have a pool, but might have a gullible life partner who might be interesting in a menage a trois. Sadly, I do not.
The Superior Pool Golf Game. Yes, while drinking and splashing and agitating, you can be pitching golf balls onto a floating green. Again, what could possibly go wrong.
The Posture Correcting Neuroband Racerback Bra. Because bras aren’t torture enough for the ladies. Remember gents, Christmas in never that far away. I assume racerback means it has racing stripes, always a plus.
The Mimicking Slow Talking Sloth. For those times when you’re away from the mimicking slow talking sloth you work with.
The World’s Largest Putting Pool Table. Best played when drunk.
The Instant Pickleball Court Set. When you’re too poor for the instant tennis court. On the plus side it’s only a hundred bucks like the putting pool table. Also best when played drunk.
And finally, The Kiss Blowing Singing Penguin. A fun way to signal that your love life is dead.
©2021 David William Pearce
David William Pearce, Writer 