After the national acclamation for my probe on stuff you don’t need, summer catalog edition, I felt duty bound, as the Christmas shopping season is now in full swing, to produce another hard-hitting attention-grabbing piece for my own personal gratification.
The following is brought to you by the fine folks at the Hammacher Schelemmer Institute. And no, I’m not making that up.
As it is the holiday season and we are all keen to demonstrate our love of holiday decorations, let us start there.
The 18′ Frosty The Snowman Lightshow, The 15′ Inflatable Illuminated Bumble (aka snow monster from Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer fame), The 15′ Inflatable Rudolph With Blinking Nose. Fun Christmassy yard art guaranteed to frighten children and keep up the neighbors due to the glaring light. $1200. $400 each.
The Any Music Format Stereo, because one never tires of squeaky cassette tapes or scratchy records. Some things are time tested. Also a great way to annoy or flummox youngsters! Except 8-tracks. Hmmm… $280.
The Stressed Pet’s Relaxation Trainer, because it’s important to have pets as whacked out as we are. $100.
The 2-Story Inflatable Black Cat. As Christmas begins sometime before Halloween, this will go well the the above mentioned yard art. May also be why you pet needs the relaxation trainer. $300.
The Foldaway Instant Personal Sauna. The photo accompanying this shows a head sticking out of what looks like a large garment bag…in the living room. Don’t know how instant it is, still certainly a conversation starter for startled guests coming across your spouse or significant other when visiting. $350.
The Queen Elizabeth II Silver Portait Coin. I’m pretty certain it’s supposed to be portrait, but that’s how it’s spelled in the catalog and on the website. As to the object itself? Why? $500.
A Piece From Every MLB Ball Park. 30 samples of dirt. Certainly worth the money. Must be the frame. $350.
The Only Outdoor Heated Cat Shelter. Something wonderful that no cat will ever use. Small dogs maybe. $130.
The All Media Jukebox. Except cassettes and 8-tracks. Sensing a little bit of hoity-toity here. For those who wish to move up from the above Any Format Stereo. $2500.
The At Home Adjustable Oxygen Bar. For use on the passed out drunk guy at the regular bar. $500.
The Glow in the Dark Lullaby Cow. Plush singing toy to freak-out the drunk when he comes to. $40.
The Longwave Shortwave Radio. It can be all things! $400.
The Space Saving Rotating CD/DVD Tower. For all those CDs and DVDs you will never watch again because it can all be streamed now. $300.
The Remote Controlled Abrams Tank. What could be more fun than a grown man driving a tank around the house shooting pellets. Something to remember when your wife is filing for divorce. $300.
The Mimicking Slow Talking Sloth. More fun with the drunk guy at the oxygen bar. $45.
The Air Combat Battling Helicopters. Combine with Abrams tank for more big fun. Any ancillary damage is purely coincidental. $130.
The LP/Cassette to CD Audio Enhancing Converter. What to say here other than why…please see above popular items dealing with old scratchy records and cassettes that may or my not spin. $350.
Lastly, The World’s Best Prelit Douglas Fir. All these great gift will need a tree under which to take up space, and given their cost an appropriately expensive one. 12′ and only $1200.
©2021 David William Pearce
1 thought on “All the Stuff You Probably Don’t Need Xmas Edition”
You made me laugh out loud, I love the Bob Hope admit to each item!