I’ve Got All the Answers

Ed. note: Periodically our intrepid man of the people gets asked riveting questions on the lastest, most explosive questions. Because of that, we will be providing timely answers to today’s most provocative concerns! In order to best answer these, there will be an “official” answer and a “this is how it really is” answer.

Where do you stand on this Twitter business?

Official answer (OA): I’m sure it will all work out.

This is How it Really is (TIHIRI): First off, I waste enough time on FB, Instagram, and YouTube. Secondly, I prefer to be badmouthed to my face. Third, I’ve got no money in the game. If Elon Musk want to turn Twitter into his own echo chamber, they’re his billions to waste. Personally, I think it’s better to be happy and have time to read all those classics I thought my kids would read. I don’t see how that can happen if I waste my time on Twitter. But mostly, I don’t care.

What about all this CRT business?

OA: Oh, you’re not sucking me into that mess. I’ve moved on to flatscreens.

TIHIRI: This is the best explanation I have. A long time ago, a resort was built, but the owners didn’t want the “disabled” using the place so they purposely built it so it had limited access. Only certain “healthy” people could enjoy it. Now today, no one would think that’s fair or right, but the building hasn’t changed so the same restrictions apply. Read into that what you may.

The TV told me Disney was bad, so we can’t go anymore, but my daughter, who’s is bigly into Disney princesses, is mad at me and called me a wacko. What should I do?

OA: Sit your daughter down and explain how we have to be culture-warriors and stand up for what we believe and if that means she can’t be Cinderella or Sleeping beauty or one of the characters from Frozen (like I know), then that’s what we have to do. I’m sure she’ll understand. Besides, Disney is too expensive anyway.

TIHIRI: I think you’re doomed. But take heart, because it doesn’t matter anyway: in 50 years Florida will be under water (see next question).

What’s really going on with this climate stuff?

OA: It brings together all that exciting science stuff you avoided like the plague in high school. Put simply, the planet gets hotter, storms get worse, ocean levels rise, insurance goes up, and all that ocean front property…well…

TIHIRI: It’s either the end of humanity (And who doesn’t want to be part of a big moment in human history?), or God is an unhappy camper and we’re paying the price for our…something. But hey, nothing lasts forever, and how many people get to say they were there for the end of it all? Take it all in my friends, it’s just a matter of perspective.

What about that super big question? You know, Supreme Court…

OA and TIHIRI: Oh, I must have missed that. Let me get back to you…

And finally…

I hear we’re being overrun by aliens from beyond the moon!

OA and TIHIRI: That’s absolutely true.

©2022 David William Pearce

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